Sometimes it is hard to trust.
God has been convicting me about that lately. I have always said that I trust him for the big things. I know I will not be tossed out on the street or go hungry, but is that faith in God or my family? I was blessed with parents, siblings and extended family that I know, beyond doubt, will be there when crisis hits.
But trusting God with the little things- that seems to be another story. I haven’t tithed in years, but have been feeling convicted to start again. I end most months scraping the bottom of the barrel money-wise often waiting to purchase groceries and gas, nursing that last jug of milk, that last gallon of gas, until payday. The thought of giving the first 10% of our income to God makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.
Don’t you trust me?
I can hear Him ask it. In my head, I know that I can.
But taking out that pen and writing a check?
Whoa, lets take a step back there, pardner. I have things I need to get with that money, food, clothes for the kids, gas for my husband to go to work, a new book here and there, my guilty pleasure- soda. There’s also the kids dance lessons, Marching Band cost, that writer’s conference I am dying to go to. I can trim those last few extras out, those last luxuries that have survived the last few budget cuts. The rest are all good things, right? If I give God control of my money, we can’t do those things.
Why not? Am I sure He won’t allow these things to happen? God wants good things for us and our kids. He knows how my children benefit from those extracurricular activities. Doesn’t He love them as much as I do, and more? And the conference, do I truly believe He has called me to write? Can I trust Him to do what is best?
That’s where the rubber meets the road, where the pen touches the paper. I know I can trust Him. He told me and I believe.
In my head I believe.
My white knuckled hand clutches the pen, the check remains blank.
Help me Lord, in my unbelief.